For when I die...

Disclaimer: Let me be clear, I realize what I am about to do is rather morbid, but I am going to talk about what I would like to happen at my funeral after I die. If you care about me enough that you can't stomach reading this stop now. If you are worried I am going to die don't be. I do not want to commit suicide, I will continue to be careful when I ride my bike and drive my car. I will try to eat healthier and exercise on a daily basis. I want to live for much longer. But the past year have led me to the conclusion that I need to write this and that I need to consider the possibility that I will not live tomorrow. So I want to give those I love an idea of what I want when I am gone.


I'm not going to go over every detail of my funeral, mostly because I don't have a complete knowledge of what I want. This funeral isn't about me anyway it is about you. You miss me and wanted a way to remember me or you hated me and wanted to make sure I was dead, whatever floats your boat. I know I'm not perfect so I suspect there will be a few people who will end up angry with me in some way shape or form. If so, make sure they know I apologize for whatever I did, I can be inept at times. The truth is though I don't want my funeral to be about me. I want it to be about you and God and the task he gave us all. To love him and one another. I don't know how well I will have pursued that goal by the end. If I messed up show that part of my life as what not to do and the part of me that was good, show that as where we need to start. The mission will not be done when I am gone so I want to prepare you for what lays ahead. There will still be pain, loss, injustice, and death. The strong will still try to prey on the weak. Disease will still harm and kill people. So this is as good a time as any to help people find a way to make the world right again.

On Mourning

I hope there will be one or two people who will miss me when I am gone. If there are no mourners then this post is being written in vain anyway. But for those who will miss me, I know you will be sad and that is okay. I want you to know it is okay to miss me, but I do have one caveat. I don't want you missing me to stop you from living your life. I'm gone from this world. You are not. That means you still have more to do.

I'm sorry, I know this is going to hurt, but my mission won't be done. I'm pretty sure of this because I don't think it is possible for anyone to complete this mission, especially alone. Which means I need to ask you a favor. Even in your grief, can you pick up one or two of the torches I started or carried and run with it? Or even better, see the vision I have of world as it should be and start your own race? Maybe you don't see it, don't understand it, think I am mistaken or evil? But I am getting ahead of myself. Maybe I should explain what I see.

What is the mission?

The world is wounded. I see it in hungry children. I see it in the heart that says this person is undeserving of compassion or respect. I see it in the one who is unwilling to work. I see it in the worldview that says I have the right to exert power over the weak. I see it when innocent people are sent to prison. I see it when laws are designed not to heal, but to seek retribution. I see it in wars, weapons, greed, and crime. I see it in spiritual leaders more interested in the letter of the law than in loving people. I see it in those who try to take the law of love in their own hands and assume they are right no matter what. And these are just the wounds I see in human society. Don't get me started on what I see with the rest of the world. In short, I'm looking for a way to love and heal the world as best I can, I just don't know how.

What does this mean for you who no longer have me around? This means picking up a piece where I left off. the race needs to be finished and I need to let you take the baton. and I mean all of you. My Christian friends may tell you that you have to believe in Jesus before you can help build the Kingdom of God (you may not call it that). I tend to take the approach of "For whoever is not against us is for us."-Matthew 9:40. God can prove his own existence. First priority is the universal law. It is expressed in a variety of ways in the bible:

• "Seek justice, love kindness, walk humbly with our God."-Micah 6:8.  
• "Love the Lord your God with all all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your strength" Deuteronomy 6:5
• "Do not seek revenge or bear a grudge against anyone among your people,but love your neighbor as yourself. I am the Lord." Leviticus 19:18
• "Do to others as you would have them do to you." Luke 6:31

These are all approximations of the universal law and it is this law that is written on everyone's heart (Romans 2:15). It is everyone's obligation to obey this law to the best of their ability no matter how they come to the law; whether you believe in God, some other concept of the divine,or simply the material world, whether you are gay, straight, bisexual, asexual, black, white, yellow, red, green, or purple. We are all obligated to love one another. How we love another is the problem that needs to be negotiated.

How I tried it

So I begin where I usually do with any problem. I look at what I have in front of me and ask what can I do with this? I have hundreds of people who are stymied by a language that is incredibly useful but no one seems capable of teaching. I have two little girls and a boy who lost their father at an extremely young age. I have a close friend who lost her husband. I have communities of people trying to fill the void that man left behind. I have family and friends all over the country that I want to maintain connections with. I have a church with a diverse group of people that I want to help minister to. I have a city that has people suffering and a country that is growing hostile to itself. I see a world that is treated as a resource to be profited from. Then I ask what steps can I take to solve these problems.

Some of them feel too big for me to handle so I postpone them. This leaves me with the communities, my job, my church and close family as my first priories. I pick tasks. Make sure the kids know they are loved. Make sure I am a part of their lives. Make sure Chrissy doesn't let herself go crazy. Give her the time to do what she needs to do. Serve the church in ways others seem unable to. Help them use the tools available to them. Be there as a backup. Facilitate ministry if I can. Be there for my parents when they need me. Support and love my brother. Listen to those in my circle of influence to see if I can work on the things I postponed.

How you try it

How you look to fulfill this mission can be very different. You have different tools than I do. You see things from a different perspective. So I don't know with certainty how you can best make the world a better place. But I have noticed a few things that I hope to see in the future. To my Christian friends I have one thing to say to you, be nice. You can sometimes be so focused on God that you forget where God points us to go and who God wants you to save that you forget how God wants you to do those things. When I talk to my non-christian friends they see you as arrogant and judgmental. This is not a good thing. I know this because I have been it. Building the kingdom of God should not alienate people. We as Christians exist to follow Jesus' example. He did not come to this world to condemn it, but to save it. we should do likewise. If someone does not believe we do not have the capacity to convince anyone, only God does. To give God the opportunity to make his case, it is our job to walk along side those around us, loving and blessing them every step of the way, telling the truth and acting in wisdom as God tells us to.

To those friends and family of mine who are non-christian, you have heard my plan for evangelism. I hope you don't find it arrogant or intrusive. I do believe that God saves us from our sins but I find such a focus in my faith limiting. I believe that God wants to restore more than just our souls. I believe God wants to heal everything. Existence itself is an act of worship. I believe you are a part of that plan of restoration. You were created in God's image as well after all. That image leads to all the value, intelligence, and purpose entitled to you. Whether you believe in the one behind the image or not. Therefore, I ask that no matter what you believe that you seek to help the people beside you create a better world. Be forgiving but honest about their faults. And be wary of your own. I can't prove the existence or nature of God. But I can hope that God will do that for me. and I ask you politely to walk by our side. To seek Justice, Love Kindness and walk humbly next to our God.


Disclaimer

Let me again be clear. This is not a suicide note. As far as I know I am not dying anytime soon. I got the idea for this post when my friend Jake died a year ago. It has been painful to write this and I'm still not completely satisfied with it. I do hope this will be the overall theme of my funeral if and when I do die. But for the majority of you who will read this before I go. I want to be held accountable. I want to be reminded to love my neighbor. I want to be reminded to bless those God has put in my path. because sometimes I don't remember. and I want to find a way to pass on the torch. I've seen the beginnings from Jake as well as many others. and I want to find a way to help continue the race. If you are willing to help me I would greatly appreciate it. if any parts of this post do make it to my funeral there are a few songs that I want sung or played that I think fit the theme. and I leave it to you to pick songs that you think fit the theme but to use your discretion. Here is a playlist to give you some inspiration.

On Patriotism and Flag Burning

It is the 4th of July and I realized I wasn't feeling particularly patriotic. I started to think about what patriotism really meant. over and over again I see in news and videos the honoring of our troops, the need to respect our flag, and the near worship of our country. Something about many of these things feels wrong. I understand the need to respect people's service but I don't want to honor war. I don't want to see our country kill and conquer. It hurts to see innocent people die to get $2.50 a gallon in gas. Or have our government ban substances not because they have no medical benefit but because it gives those in power the excuse to imprison minorities and foreigners or to interfere with countries outside of our direct control. It hurts to see our government enact policies to make the wealthy richer and the unfortunate poorer. Then, to go further, excuse those policies by saying lower classes deserve their lot because they are two lazy to become rich. This does not seem like serving our country to me. These things also do not seem like they are worthy of honoring.

There are things worthwhile in our country, but I am not sure it is because we are the United States. I think we are at our best when our country seeks justice. When we provide health care and education to those who need it. When we made sure everyone has a fair hearing. I think our country is at its best when we create conditions that promote joy and real hope. Our country doesn't always do that and it makes me sad.

This leads me to symbols of our country, how we see and treat them. Primarily, we have the flag. a styled piece of cloth that we use to symbolize aspects of our country. Because it is used to symbolize our country, it can be saluted if it represents to us aspects of our country we admire. Many also burn the flag in effigy, because to them our country has caused more harm than good. I see both these things when I see the flag.

When I see the flag, I see a country that is generous and kind. I see a country that sees justice as such a high priority that it bars the government from suppressing dissent. I see a country that spent the first half of the last century slowly building a public education system and infrastructure that was the envy of the world. I see a country that regularly sends its people to help those in need. I see a country that invests in research to help make a better world. We are a country that literally made it to the moon. I hope we go further. I see a country that respects people's rights even when they may not agree. I see a country whose first reaction when a terrorist attacked was to get in a line around the block to give blood. I see a country that liberated people from concentration camps. it is this country's flag I would happily salute.

When I see the american flag, I also see the flag of american empire. I see a country that actively participated and contributed to the worse form of slavery in history. I see a country that institutionalized racism. I see a country that committed genocide against out indigenous population. we are a country that created its own concentration camps. I see a country that invades other countries when they are inconvenient. I see a country that deports people who have committed no other crime. I see a country that banned a substance in just the right way to cause more corruption and crime than the substance caused on its own. I see a country that taxes the poor and subsidizes the wealthy. I see a country that bombs the innocent with the guilty. I see a country that ignores the effect our actions have on the world we live in. It is the flag of this country that I would happily burn.

The problem is the flag of the country I love and the flag of the empire I would burn look exactly the same. I have noticed this confusion happens a lot. People become angry when someone messes with the flag, just like people get angry when the flag messes with people. I would rather live in a world without a flag. I want to see the country I love seek out higher ideals, for America to be a citizen of a higher kingdom. Sometimes that means pointing out the areas we excel, sometimes that means pointing to the areas we need to improve. I hope our country has room for both.

To Sympathize with Confederates

In the middle of the 1800's my country had slaves. Whole swathes of  our country saw it as a way of life. It was how the world was, how it had to be. The only problem was eventually half the country realized that slavery harmed a significant portion of our population. They started with attempted legal battles, protests, small rebellions and ended with one of the bloodiest wars in American history. During this struggle, both sides thought they were doing the right thing. one side thought they were preserving a country while freeing a group of persecuted people. The other also thought they were protecting their country and defending their property. Does this justify confederates owning slaves? No. Their "property" was only what they were because of kidnapping, theft, and greed. These people only continued to be property because of a culture that turned a blind eye to the humanity of other human beings.

That being said, would I have done the same thing in their position? Most likely. I'm not proud of it, but I suspect I would have blended into the culture of the time just like anyone else. I would have tried to protect the massive injustices that existed at the time because I either didn't see them as injustices, or didn't care. It makes me sad, but it makes me ask two questions. what injustices to we not see because they are all around us, because they are implicitly justified or purposely ignored? Or an even odder question, how do we know when something is an injustice when we are a part of it? Are there times when we are justified in what we do when we think we are wrong? Sometimes it is hard to tell. and it is scary to think of what I do when I am wrong. Do I advocate slavery without realizing it? Do I encourage immorality when I should know it is wrong? Do I take away another person's freedom or choices unjustly or do I permit sin because I don't take it as seriously as God does?

There are many things in this world that make me ask these questions. There are police who shoot unarmed people with no consequences. There are people who in anger loot and terrorize neighborhoods as a response. There are protestors with signs saying "God hates fags". I see pastors treating the bible as a get rich quick scheme. I see people ignore parts of the bible that challenge them. Or throwing out the Word entirely for their own benefit or in self-justification. I see Christians ignore science when it is convenient and actively disregard science when it isn't. I see so much false condemnation that I forget what real rebuke is supposed to look like. I see people trying to conquer or convert Christianity for self-righteous reasons. and I see Christians act against the Law of love for self-righteousness and greed. It would be a terrible tragedy to see the community that reminds me to love even my enemies to be conquered either by the accusations Satan fools us into making, or false or ignorant accusations or requirements made against us.

What I want to be when I grow up

Sometimes, I think I'm crazy. Not institutionalize me crazy, but definitely out of the box thought. I have have imaginary conversations with my niece where she asks me what I want to be when I grow up. Two options come to mind, Santa Claus and Superman. I am completely serious. Maybe not Superman, but maybe a more interesting superhero like the Doctor. I'm still completely serious about Santa though. I don't want to be Santa because of the flying reindeer or elves or the obvious power at his disposal. I want to be Santa because Santa can give people a little piece of magic when they need it. It is in the ability to show a child they are safe and loved. It is giving children the power to choose joy. It's reminding people of generosity. I realize it isn't christmas, but this is how I feel when I hang out with Ruthie and Nadia and sometimes Chase. I hope they keep reminding me to maintain that spirit.